Can you handle me at my worst?
Can you handle the fact I'm falling apart?
Can you deal with the fact everyday is a day closer to where I won't be me anymore?
I won't be able to walk hand in hand with you in public and show you off
I won't be able to say sweet nothings to you
I won't be able to wrap my arms around you and breath you in so deeply.
But I can promise this! As I do get closer to my timely death I will always have you in my heart.
I Love You1
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Unthinkable
So just last May I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and for the first time I didn't know what I was going to do or even how I was going to handle it. I was so scared about this disease, mostly because I did not know or understand anything about it. After spending sometime reading about the disease I felt a little more at ease about it.
Now I'm not as scared as much as I am angry. I'm mostly angry that I can't seem to keep this disease under control and I am at the hospital so often. I'm angry because I'm always in so much pain and I can't seem to control it without making a trip to the E.R. I hate the fact and feeling that I'm nothing but a burden to my family because they're always having to take me to the hospital and sit there for six to nine hours.
Most of the time I feel like I battling this disease alone and that no one has my back. I feel like I have no help or understanding when it comes to having Multiple Sclerosis. To be honest I would do anything to be healthy and not have this disease,because I know this disease is only going to get worse. So I try to have some sort of normal life and I try to enjoy life to the fullest and also try not to sweat the small stuff.
I really hate feeling like I have no sort of support from my parents. I wish they were more understanding instead of getting frustrated with me when I need to go to the hospital. I do understand some of they're frustration because growing up i was always going to the hospital and even as I got older I was always going and it was always the same answer. They didn't know what was wrong with me. But I feel things are different now because there is something now and it's something that I'm having a hard time controlling.
Sometimes my family makes having this disease harder on me then it really needs to be. They make me feel bad for being sick, like I asked for this. I just really wish they could live just a month in my shoes. So they can feel all the pain I feel and go through almost everyday. So they can see and feel what its like not being able to do a lot of the things that I love and enjoy doing.
Oh well I guess I'm just complaining. I guess I'll just continue dealing with my illness alone and keep my mouth shut,
Now I'm not as scared as much as I am angry. I'm mostly angry that I can't seem to keep this disease under control and I am at the hospital so often. I'm angry because I'm always in so much pain and I can't seem to control it without making a trip to the E.R. I hate the fact and feeling that I'm nothing but a burden to my family because they're always having to take me to the hospital and sit there for six to nine hours.
Most of the time I feel like I battling this disease alone and that no one has my back. I feel like I have no help or understanding when it comes to having Multiple Sclerosis. To be honest I would do anything to be healthy and not have this disease,because I know this disease is only going to get worse. So I try to have some sort of normal life and I try to enjoy life to the fullest and also try not to sweat the small stuff.
I really hate feeling like I have no sort of support from my parents. I wish they were more understanding instead of getting frustrated with me when I need to go to the hospital. I do understand some of they're frustration because growing up i was always going to the hospital and even as I got older I was always going and it was always the same answer. They didn't know what was wrong with me. But I feel things are different now because there is something now and it's something that I'm having a hard time controlling.
Sometimes my family makes having this disease harder on me then it really needs to be. They make me feel bad for being sick, like I asked for this. I just really wish they could live just a month in my shoes. So they can feel all the pain I feel and go through almost everyday. So they can see and feel what its like not being able to do a lot of the things that I love and enjoy doing.
Oh well I guess I'm just complaining. I guess I'll just continue dealing with my illness alone and keep my mouth shut,
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
When is it okay to let go?
When is it okay for me to let you go?
When will the pain in my heart ever go away?
I've tired everything to let you go
I've cried, cursed your name I've even hated you for what you did.
But when it comes down to it, I can't let you go.
I have not totally let you take over my life.
I did the one thing I thought I could never do again.
I fell in love! And I married him!
I think of you very often and glace at your picture from time to time.
I guess I still so unfinished business with you.
So I'm just going to hold on to you tighter, cause I'm not really to let go!
When will the pain in my heart ever go away?
I've tired everything to let you go
I've cried, cursed your name I've even hated you for what you did.
But when it comes down to it, I can't let you go.
I have not totally let you take over my life.
I did the one thing I thought I could never do again.
I fell in love! And I married him!
I think of you very often and glace at your picture from time to time.
I guess I still so unfinished business with you.
So I'm just going to hold on to you tighter, cause I'm not really to let go!
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
What is a story? What Makes a story?
A story is something may have happened to you or an event that occurred during some point in time. whether it be during the day, during that month or even years ago. What can make a story is something funny that may have happened to you or a friend or family member. Or something tragic or a description of something. Some story's can make you laugh, make you cry or even make you so angry you might want to punch a hole in something. There are also some story's that can make you fall in love. Make you fall in love with a person or a thing or even a place.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Trust
Remember that day you told me to trust you?
That day I had tears running down my face
From that girl you were just friends with.
You told me that those pictures and letter's were nothing
Just lies to make you look bad
And that you loved me not her
You said baby trust me I only want to be with you.
But if you love me so much why are you telling her you love her
and she's the one you want to be with
That I'm nothing and you're done with me
and to trust you.
There's that word again Trust!
That word to you is nothing but a word
I can't trust you
Trust to you is just a word you like to throw around
So you can get what you want.
But to me Trust is more than a word its an action
An action you can see me using
When I throw you outta my life
You can trust that you'll never see me again
and that I can do better.
You can trust me when I say I'm as good as it gets honey
and I'm done I don't need a man in my life to complete me
I am all I need and God him self.
Trust in that!
That day I had tears running down my face
From that girl you were just friends with.
You told me that those pictures and letter's were nothing
Just lies to make you look bad
And that you loved me not her
You said baby trust me I only want to be with you.
But if you love me so much why are you telling her you love her
and she's the one you want to be with
That I'm nothing and you're done with me
and to trust you.
There's that word again Trust!
That word to you is nothing but a word
I can't trust you
Trust to you is just a word you like to throw around
So you can get what you want.
But to me Trust is more than a word its an action
An action you can see me using
When I throw you outta my life
You can trust that you'll never see me again
and that I can do better.
You can trust me when I say I'm as good as it gets honey
and I'm done I don't need a man in my life to complete me
I am all I need and God him self.
Trust in that!
Loss
I'll never understand no matter how many times it's explained to me, how can God let bad things happen his children. I bring this up because just the other day my husbands very good friend Latty lost his battle of Leukemia. This was his second bout with it. He beat it the first time, but sadly died Saturday. I don't understand how someone that was so loved by so many could be taken away from everyone.
For someone like me it almost becomes natural to me, because it seems like every person I come in contact with dies and leaves me. You would think for me it would be easier to deal with, but it's not! It hurts more and more every time I have to go through it. I wonder how much more God thinks my heart could handle,because to me it can't handle much more. I hate loosing someone and having to start all over again. Having to go through all the healing all over again. Some times I wish we could by pass all the hurt,anger and sadness and just go back to having some sort of a normal life. But I know that's never going to happen. There's always going to be pain and what angers me the most is I don't know why we have to feel all that. But like I am always told God has a plan for all of us. It may not be the plan we want or agree with, but it's God's plan.
For someone like me it almost becomes natural to me, because it seems like every person I come in contact with dies and leaves me. You would think for me it would be easier to deal with, but it's not! It hurts more and more every time I have to go through it. I wonder how much more God thinks my heart could handle,because to me it can't handle much more. I hate loosing someone and having to start all over again. Having to go through all the healing all over again. Some times I wish we could by pass all the hurt,anger and sadness and just go back to having some sort of a normal life. But I know that's never going to happen. There's always going to be pain and what angers me the most is I don't know why we have to feel all that. But like I am always told God has a plan for all of us. It may not be the plan we want or agree with, but it's God's plan.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)